


The Moose Flies at Noon

by Missy



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor, Team Dynamics, Teamwork
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-04-01 04:48:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4006411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Holt asks his team to move a stuffed moose from his office and out of sight before lunch time.  But it's a bit heavy...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Moose Flies at Noon

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thinlizzy2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinlizzy2/gifts).



It was a grey, boring Monday, and the whole squad had gathered in the briefing room. The captain was, as he often did on any given Monday morning, running over the cases and tasks set before them. But his conclusion provided the morning’s first surprise. “And in conclusion: Peralta,” Captain Holt said. “There is a large stuffed moose in my office. I would prefer it not be there when I bring Kevin here for lunch this afternoon. Have a pleasant afternoon.”

“I’ll….go do that…” Jake shot a furtive look toward Amy as he watched his boss leave the briefing room. Did she know what he was talking about?

Judging from the look of total panic on her face, the answer was ‘no’. “All right,” she said, grabbing her case file and making for the door, taking instant control and leaving Jake pouting and running to catch up with her.

“So, what does this moose look like?” Jake wondered. “Is it a little desk-sized one or is it….” He trailed off as Amy flung the door open, revealing a very large stuffed moose staring from over the desk chair. “Yeahhh. That is definitely a real moose,” he observed.

Amy headed over to the problem, very gingerly touching the animal’s snout. “Ugh this is terrible. The poor moose."

"I'm sure he lived a long life of leaf eating," Jake said. 

Amy had, meanwhile, started thinking out loud. "The chief got it in here, so we don’t need to measure the door – where do we have the most space? Maybe we could put it in the evidence locker, or the ”

“Drunk tank,” Jake suggested.

“Either that or the evidence locker.” He snapped his fingers and she rolled her eyes. “Great idea, Jake, suck it whoever didn’t think of it first!” All joking aside, Jake had silently decided that his might and Amy’s twined together should easily result in the moose being hoisted out and away from the office. It felt like solid lead in Jake’s grip as he and Amy put their shoulders to its rump and then, side by side, shoved and pushed at the back end of the moose. 

And the damn thing wouldn’t budge. 

No matter how hard he threw his weight against it and how firmly Amy shoved, the moose remained stationary, solid and immovable. Jake cursed under his breath. Amy cursed at the top of her lungs.

“Now what?” she asked him, pulling away, sweaty and visibly annoyed.

“Uh, this? Because if you stop pulling with your tiny doll hands we might get somewhere,” he complained, huffing.

“I am NOT pulling! I’m pushing! I’M A GOOD PUSHER!” she said, bracing her heels against the desk for better leverage. But the situation remained hopeless, and the moose would not budge under their influence.

“Guys, you’re missing out on my penuche fudge and oh boy is that moose huge,” gawked Charles from the doorway. “The captain wasn’t kidding when he said it was a four point bull.”

“Nope,” Jake deadpanned. "How do you know about it being a bull?"

"He talked about it during our last carpooling session!" Charles enthused. "I managed to give him my mocha macadamia tea bread recipe. I think we're finally bonding!"

“Bond...with...the...other...room, go get help, find Terry!” Amy said between pushes.

“But I’d be glad to help by myself!” he protested. “I was a champion on the rowing team back at the academy! They called me the big yanker!”

Jake paused. “I don’t think that’s why they called you that.”

“Ugh, fine. Get behind Jake and push!” Amy demanded. 

Charles did as she bade, but the moose still didn’t budge. “I knew I should have had steak frites for breakfast!” Charles groaned, rubbing his shoulder.

“Okay, we need more people,” Jake said, reaching toward his back pocket for his phone. “I’m texting in the cavalry…”

“You could just stick your head outside the door and call for somebody,” Amy panted, wiping her sweaty forehead with her sleeve.

“Pft, like people listen when they hear words. Get with the times Amy!” As if on cue, seconds after he sent his last text Gina appeared in the doorway.

“Jake just texted me about a moose?” she said without looking up from her phone. 

“Yes!” Jake said. 

Gina glanced up from her phone and shook her head, “uh, I don’t do manual labor. Manual labor is for people who don’t have brand new hundred dollar pink passion manicures.”

“Not you,” Jake said, his cheek buried in a layer of moose fur. “That guy you know in Queens! The one with the moving company. He has to have something that'd help us out.”

“Jakey I can’t just call Antonio,” Gina said. “We have an understanding. When I want a coconut oil massage I call him, and when he needs a ride to midtown or a good divorce attorney, he’s supposed to call me.”

Amy shoved away from Charles, whose arms were wrapped around a furry moose thigh as he leaned forward, groaning about his back. “Time to call in the heavy artillery.”

“You called me before you called Terry?” that did make Gina look up for a second – just a second – before the sound of a fresh round of Kwazy Cupcakes filled the air. “Jake, you softie, I knew you cared.”

“Please,” he groaned, leaning against the moose’s side, “just go get him.”

“Texted,” she said dismissively. Terry did arrive fifteen minutes later, but he was angry. 

“Why isn’t anybody answering the phones? I just spent ten minutes trying to make Old Lady Nussbaum realize Joffrey from Game of Thrones didn’t steal her Pekinese!”

“To be fair that’s super shady,” Jake said. “Joffrey would totally do it.”

“What are you doing?” He asked, taking in the mob scene before him. “Why is that moose’s butt crying?”

“It’s me Sergeant. I’m just allergic to moose hair,” Amy said, pushing away from the taxidermied animal, her red eyes causing the assembled gang to gasp.

"Lieutenant asked us to move the moose, Sarge. It's our duty to get its butt out of here before he comes back for lunch."

“Understood. We have to move this moose now,” Terry said, pushing up his sleeves. “Before Santiago’s eyes swell shut. Let me get in the middle, Charles and Jake, each of you grab an antler.” The men did as they bade, Amy hanging onto the rump beside Terry and Gina staying perched on Holt’s desk as she continued to play with her phone.

“Are you sure we shouldn’t just try to hire a mover?” Charles asked.

“The captain said he wanted us to move it,” Jake said. “When Holt gives us an order It’s our job to make him proud, and we’re gonna make him proud even if I have to spend my whole lunch break with my head up a dead moose's butt.”

“Can we hurry a little? I have a crockpot of coq a vin heating up in the break room and if we don't get to it Scully and Hitchcock are going to eat it before I get a sip!” Charles whimpered. 

“Too late,” said Terry. "I saw them sitting around it burping and wiping their mouths on their sleeves..."

“Forget about your fancy French soup and _push!!_ ” yelled Amy. And push they did, for a great length of time, until Rosa appeared. 

“Hey. Pushing contest?” she asked.

“Moving-something,” panted Jake as Terry sank to his knees. “Terry, what’s wrong man?”

“Cramp!” their commander cried, kneeling to rub his leg. 

“Take a breath, Sarge!” Amy said. 

“Terry didn’t do his lats this morning!” he moaned. “Keep going, I think it moved!”

As the rest of the crowd strained, Rosa strode toward the unmoving moose. She knelt and tugged out a yellow wedge of wood keeping the wheels from rolling. “Did you guys even bother to check…?” 

Rosa’s speech halted as the moose careened forward, her coworkers tumbled to the floor…and the body of the animal collided with two huge file cabinets, which fell forward and wide open with a crash.

***

  
After an untold amount of frantic file cabinet fixing, the crew triumphantly wheeled the moose to the service elevator, down to the evidence locker and to a safe spot, wedged between a blood-soaked ceramic fast food mascot and a pile of unsorted tickets for the policeman’s ball. High-fiving and hooting, the crew made it back to the elevator – where they quite immediately bumped into Holt.

Jake proudly showed the captain pictures of the moose safely ensconced in the locker via his phone. Holt gave them an acknowledging nod. “Congratulations,” he said flatly. “You’re welcome to purchase a drink of your choice at our local watering establishment and place it on my tab as a gesture of thanks.”

“WHOO!” the force shouted as they emerged from the elevator. “BEER BEER BEER!” Amy’s vain attempt at trying to start a “Nine-Nine” chant was sadly ignored, and the group of them swarmed back into the office. Only Jake lingered behind in the elevator with the captain.

“So chief,” he said, “why did you really have us move a moose?” 

“I’m not surprised you saw through me. I do have a terrible poker face.” Holt then said, “I had a bet with Madeline. Her impression of the squad’s intelligence was negative, and I sought in turn to prove that you’re the brightest crop of cops on the East side.”

“Soooo…you left the doorstop there on purpose?” Jake wondered.

“Indeed I did. But you figured out that it was there,” Holt said, as the elevator doors opened once more and he stepped into the parking garage. “And I didn’t even have to tell you about it. Therefore: Wuntch may suck it.”

And Jake was left alone in the elevator, eyebrow raised, comment stuck in his throat, as Holt returned to duty.

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you liked the story! I tried to shoot for series-typical gen just like what you wanted; the whole gang trying to move a stuffed moose is something they haven't explored yet - but something I can totally see happening.


End file.
